Why You Can't Do Everything

I've been feeling stretched thin lately.

If there's one thing you should know about me it's that I have a hard time saying no. I like people, I like helping them and I also like people to like me. On top of all of this, I like a lot of stuff. I'm passionate about just about everything with exceptions to professional wrestling and bug collecting... but, yes, everything else...and I bet I could get really into bug collecting if I tried. Not wrestling...well maybe.

I digress.

Over and over again throughout this past week, the ideas of simplifying and focusing-in have popped up as themes.

Every time I'd turn on the radio it seemed like someone had just called in seconds before to share a word on finding one's calling and not becoming distracted. Songs upon songs, messages, devotionals and that annoying little voice in my head who I tend to attribute to the Holy Spirit (Read: annoying because He is usually nudging convicting me of things I'd rather ignore) each pointed to this same idea:
I am busy and I am actively distracting myself from what God has for me to do here and now.

The past few weeks I've had something on my calendar after work each and every day, sometimes more than one thing per night. Strategically stuffed, my calendar looks a lot like that closet in your house who's door you slowly open (or don't open) so as not to upset the haphazard chaos inside...as long as it all fits and the door closes, right?

Sunday's sermon at my church involved an emphasis on margin and its relation to being teachable. If we lack margin, our pastor said, we lack capacity to learn and be humbled. In time, this lack of capacity and margin translates to distraction and distraction works to keep us tangled in everything but what we are called to do.

Think about it.

A high school athlete, more often than not, cannot be both a basketball star and swim star in the same season. Although he/she may excel in each sport, and somehow make every game and meet, he/she will not be able to attend each and every practice held at the very same time on the very same day. And with every missed practice for one sport or the other, he/she limits his/her ability to grow and reach their full potential in either sport.

The same is true for each of us, athletic or not.

We cannot do everything. 

We cannot succeed at everything.

We cannot continue living our lives distracting ourselves from the fact that we believe ourselves to be our own God.

I think so often, because I don't know what it is that I'm called to, or even what I really really like to do, I create almost contingency plans for myself by just choosing to do everything that seems right or good or true "just in case" because I'm afraid that choosing one group/hobby/church/activity/class over another will somehow cause me to "miss it" or "mess up".

We don't have that kind of power.

My fixation on not "missing it" or "messing it up" has brought me to a place where I am trying to do everything and be the very best at it all because deep down I do not trust that the right thing, at the right time can fall into place without my "divine" acts of will.

We need to specialize. We need to focus in. Instead of spreading ourselves so thin that we're only half good (or not good at all) at a lot of things, we need to center our attention on the areas of our lives where we sense the deepest need, nudge or call to continue to grow and give back.

There are so many things that I want to do and accomplish this year. So many things that are good and wonderful and God-honoring.

And yet, "good" does not equal "right".

Sometimes we need to give up doing good things because they ultimately distract us from the right things.

What is the Lord calling you to give up? How could you create more margin in your life so that you can begin to grow in teachability, sensitivity and openness to what or where the Lord is calling you?

Although I tend to pack my schedule to the brim, some of you may struggle to add things. This is just the opposite side of the same coin.

For you, where are you being nudged to give of yourself, your time or your energy? How can you safeguard yourself from locking yourself away and be more open to saying yes?


To margin,
-S

Day 30: Choosing to Give It All, One Moment at a Time

I would choose a leap year to do this thing.

One.

One additional day.

A mentor of mine once said, "Steph, you can always do one more of anything. One more second, one more minute, one more day."

I can still remember the moment she told me that. It was my first year of teaching and we were sitting in the back corner of my classroom across from one another at my desk pushed into the corner.  I was 22, at the end of my rope and had proposed quitting for maybe the fifth time in a span of a few months through muffled, snotty tears.

You see. I had never done something so hard nor sacrificed so much in my entire life. I felt like a failure and I was tired, disillusioned and angry.

As an 8th grade middle school teacher in the inner city, I had entered a battlefield. Not only was my school so under-resourced that my co-workers and I needed to buy our own computer paper, many of my students had suffered in their short lives things I couldn't even imagine. Many came to school hungry, some could not read, a few were homeless. Others were without parents or had witnessed their parents' murder. A lot of my boys dabbled in gangs, and my girls dabbled in boys.

Along with all this hardship came defiance and behavior issues. I was called every name ever created to be an insult (at least circa 2009). Sometimes my worksheets and lesson plans were thrown across the room, along with chairs to mix things up. And, during my first week, I had a girl literally pummel another girl to the ground punching her head into my classroom's floor as I stood there bewildered and not knowing what to do.

Although all completely true (and I'm not even telling you the juiciest, craziest stories) my situation and relationships with my students didn't stay that way. Over time and as I earned street cred, I gleaned little by little their love and respect. Demeanors of the meanest mean girls in the 8th grade shifted. Attitudes changed. Hugs were given. Insults became less and less...all because in the end, I choose one more second, one more minute and one more day through the rest of the school year. I also choose them.

Despite all the positive change, that year sucked. Refinement often does. But, it's in the fire that we are made pure, and fire burns.

So do middle school girl glares.

- - - - -

The past 30 days have been some of the most joyful I can remember in a long time. I feel so alive and free...its amazing what a little bit of obeying God and denying yourself will do for you...

Don't get me wrong, over the last month I've definitely had moments of struggle and second guessing. Sundays, ironically, are the worst. Nearly every Sunday I struggle not to obsess over who I'll date next or if there's someone out there that will ever choose me that I actually like-like.

...Maybe its because of all the eligible single men I see at church every Sunday morning and the lack of other pretty, gosh darn spectacular single Jesus-loving gals fighting for their attention...(please read this with the most snark you can muster)

Enter my falling into the temptations of comparison and envy nearly each and every week.

I shared the story of taking one second, one minute and one day at a time because its where I'm at, and really you are too. Taking one moment at a time, especially at a time that proves to be difficult and disorienting, is all we can do and all we are called to do.

In addition to choosing to take one moment at a time in obedience and trust, however, is an even higher and more sacrificial calling, a calling that asks us to lose our life so that we may gain it. I fought tooth and nail in those early months of teaching my inner desire to quit. Every ounce of me, besides my pride, was all in on the idea. I had even secured a job at the Gander Mountain around the corner from my apartment (to which my roommate thought I was crazy...desperation does weird things as we've already discussed in blog post #1). In the end, I didn't give up because deep down inside I knew it wasn't about me, my comfort or what I wanted in that season of my life.

Jesus made a choice too, He died on the cross for each one of us. All of us. Every. single. one. He didn't back out because it was hard. He was insulted and spit upon and tortured and he chose it. He made the ultimate sacrifice by giving His life, His all, for us so that we may become heirs through His death and resurrection! Although others could not see it and did not understand, even his own disciples, Jesus knew better things were to come and better things awaited the world on the other side of his choice. (Galatians 3:29, 4:7...and the whole New Testament)

Through him we were given new life and a new purpose and invited into a process of knowing Him and being transformed from the inside out.

And unfortunately, a process is not one-and-done but one-after-the-other kind of thing.

After 30 days of learning and growing and being refined, I'm entering into March ready and excited for all that the Lord had for me as I continue to place my trust and faith in Him in this season he has called me to and to one I am choosing one moment at a time.

I leave you with this; It's the song of my heart these days. I pray it becomes yours as well.

-S

"You can have it all, Lord.
Every part of my world.

Take this life and breathe on;
This heart that is now yours." 

"Have it All" Bethel Music c. 2016

CROPPED

The other day I woke up feeling ugly.

You know the days. Those days where you question whether you really look like that and wonder how you still have friends and why they didn't let you in on the secret they've all been holding.

Everything about my face felt wrong and my hair had seemingly conspired with my pores over night to declare mutiny over my self esteem. I didn't shower, partly out of laziness and partly out of spite...which you know, likely really helped in this matter, and my little scowled face and I drove the whole way to work comparing my ugly to everyone else's pretty. 

Halfway through the day I posted this photo of myself to Instagram. The photo was one I took that morning in an attempt to convince myself I didn't look that bad in natural light. My post was strategically cropped, heavily filtered and given a cute witty caption.

Because you see. In order for me to feel okay with my reality that day, I felt like I needed to crop out what I didn't like and dress up what was left. 

How often do we do this? How often do we share only smidgens of the truth because we think it looks better in "Valencia" or sounds more inspiring outlined by a rectangle?

See that white background? Yeah. He took that photo in his creepy basement using a desk light and a piece of computer paper. Those perfectly clear blue waves crashing along the shoreline and against the toes of a that canoodling couple? Yeah. They just had a huge fight about how much their vacation cost.

What we see is not always what is real. It is not always the true, full, all-things-considered story.

More often than not, we aren't even comparing ourselves to the truth.

Because the truth of the matter is that truth is only found in Him...and not in the cropped (or full) versions of others' stories.

We were not created to sit around and compare ourselves; we were created to live in the freedom of knowing who we are as loved, chosen and accepted despite all our flaws and mishaps along the way.

Who are you comparing yourself to? What are you trying to crop, cut, hide or doll up in your life?

Why?

Stop. 

Bring those things into the light. Let others see. Share what is real. Accept your whole story for it is what has made you, you.

We all have pain. We all suffer. None of us are perfect.

But that's the thing. We were designed to need one another. Despite our imperfections we were created to spur one another on through our weaknesses and our strengths. Our world needs your good, bad and yes, even your ugly. Let yourself be you. You're the only YOU that ever was and ever will be.

-S

But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor.  Galatians 6:4

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Psalm 62:5

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

Valentine's Day Posts are the Worst...

As I was driving home from grad school tonight I couldn't help but notice all the other cars on the road. Our class gets out at 10pm, but tonight by God's good graces we were let out early. Typically,  my half hour drive home on Monday nights is sparse of other drivers and provides a peaceful opportunity to decompress.

Not tonight.

Red break lights glared everywhere. They were everywhere! Weaving in and out of lanes, going much too slow or too fast and all in my way.

After being cut off, and between belted Steffany Gretzinger lyrics, I let it out.

"Who ARE these people!?!"

This was the second time in 24 hours I'd muttered (shouted) such a phrase. With angst.

You see, yesterday at 10pm I made a horrible mistake. I scrolled my social media feeds...in all their chocolate dipped strawberry, red rosed, smiling coupled, engagement rings the size of my face glory.

People were coming out of the woodwork with significant others I didn't even know existed! And not just "people"...it was the people you secretly think "oh yeah, them, they don't have a person yet, they're not dating yet, they're too _____ to date...I'm good...I'm solid...I'm going to be okay because they are in my boat" kind of people. 

Turns out that when you're a recovering morose broken heart, prone-to-pity-party, jealous-but-won't-admit-it-because-it's-not-Jesus-like single person, Valentine's Day posts are the worst and people don't ask your permission to get out of your boat.

I promise I'm not a joy-sucker...at least all the time. I think many would be first to say that I tend to be overly excitable and passionate and much too loud in my outgoing encouragement of others' happiness, accomplishments and life-things on a day-to-day basis. But last night...at 10pm...it was just too hard not to compare and wish and covet and be a bit sad.

I know I'm not alone here. I also know that coveting doesn't stop. 

Regardless of our life stage, we all at times fall victim to the trap of wanting something we don't currently have. We go about life with the false thinking that once we have this thing or that person or that job or this pregnancy or that house, everything will be happy and fulfilling and fall into place.

Not so.

Our desires may be good ones, but unless they are submitted to Christ as our one and only source of fulfillment and happiness, they will bring nothing but destruction to our souls.

I've spent countless nights crying myself to sleep asking why questions. I've listened and encouraged and walked alongside others as they processed their own seasons of "why" and "why not now" and "why her or him and not me" but I have to tell you something, although God is right there ready to take our spiritual flipping of the bird and punches into our pillows and naughty words and tears of pain and suffering, all He wants is our hearts wholly devoted and trusted to Him. His faithfulness and love is all we could ever need...something I'm still learning.

Maybe you're not looking for a spouse. Maybe dating is the absolute last thing on your list right now. That's fine. Power to you. But I can guarantee you want something.

Promise me (promise yourself) that that thing you covet, that thing you want so badly it hurts. That thing that keeps you up at night wondering and dreaming and planning and worrying. That thing that you think will change your life forever...promise me you'll release it. Let it go. It's not yours to be had.

Let God be your one thing, let him fulfill you. Because, in the end, nothing else will.

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the refuge and fortress of my life—
Whom shall I dread?

2 When the wicked came against me to eat up my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.

3 Though an army encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
Even in this I am confident.

4 One thing I have asked of the Lord, and that I will seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord [in His presence] all the days of my life,To gaze upon the beauty [the delightful loveliness and majestic grandeur] of the Lord and to meditate in His temple.

5 For in the day of trouble He will hide me in His shelter;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock. 

 
6 And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
In His tent I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.  (Psalm 27)

Letting go isn't easy. I definitely don't have it figured out. I'm learning every day what it means to live loved and trust when all I want to do is take things into my own hands and run far, far away all Jonah style. But. I think that's the beauty of it...in a weird, totally Myers-Briggs type P way that deep down frustrates me beyond belief. I'm getting there, you will too.

Peace to you,
S

It Needs to Continue

You know when you're on a roller coaster and the train starts to climb that first big hill and you can't yet see the entire course of the ride and with every little clicking sound you begin to question why you got on and how you could potentially still get off but then you see those little flags marking the top and you know it's too late?

Because...now that it is started...it needs to continue. 

That's how I feel right now, I'm metaphorically waiting at the top of the hill next to those darn flags questioning what it is I have done.

Can I really do this?

More than six of you read my last post. A lot more than six. I'm astonished and honored and terrified all in one. Over the last two days I've questioned myself a lot. What will I write next? Will it be good enough, funny enough, deep enough, real enough? Was posting my guts online really that good of an idea? Maybe...and maybe not.

And, down deeper...What if miss out on "potential" Mr. Right because he enters my life within the next 350 some days? What if in a year there are LITERALLY NO SINGLE MEN LEFT on the entire planet? What if this year ends up being a waste? A waste of precious time in my twenties before I suddenly stop looking 12 and my hair turns grey over night and I'm not changed and God doesn't seem closer?

The truth is, saying yes to God (or really anything) is easy until you have to labor through the process and say it again. 

Imagine the Israelites wandering the desert for 40 years. Even though they literally had God leading their path with a supernatural pillar of fire, they still complained...because the process is hard and we want what we want now.

Think of Abraham and Sarah, they waited YEARS to see God's promise fulfilled for Sarah to become pregnant and even took matters into their own hands in order to fulfill their promise in their own way.

Waiting is disorienting, it makes us do desperate and disobedient things. 

And then, I think of Jesus. Jesus knew full well who he was. Even after preaching in the temple with the bigwigs at the young age of twelve, he labored alongside his father as a regular 'ole carpenter for 18 MORE YEARS before his ministry (his promise and calling) even began!

Jesus could have rushed it. He could of said, "Here, here friends, I am the Christ...and yes, I not only look 12 but I am 12...listen to me! I am your messiah! Come, let us heal people and save the world" but he didn't.

Jesus waited. 

The scripture doesn't tell us what those 18 years looked like, nor do we get an insiders look as to when Jesus knew the timing was right for him to leave his family and begin his journey towards Jerusalem, but we do know he did not start when he was 12...and we can surmise that His Father in heaven prepared the way for that perfect time, refining and growing up His Son in order to prepare Him for what laid ahead.

The same is true for us. We are not called to say yes once, but continuously. And a lot of times that means we wait.

It wasn't easy for me to say yes to this year of saying no. It wasn't easy to tell someone I liked a lot that the timing didn't feel right and I couldn't commit to dating them in this season and hear their broken spirit through the phone. It wasn't easy to take the cotton balls out of my ears and listen to what I did not want to hear. It wasn't easy to obey what I've felt the Lord speaking to me for a long time...but I can tell you that the Lord was with me through the process and gave me the strength and courage to do it.

Continuously choosing to trust God and say yes to him, obey him, and ride the roller coaster of our lives through the ups and downs and waiting plateaus can be excruciating. But, God is faithful and promises to be near to us.

At the end of this, I am not guaranteed anything, much less Prince Charming with a bouquet of peonies and a pink pony asking for my hand in marriage. And yet, one thing is for sure: the Lord's love for me (and you) is unwavering and unchangeable and ever present and faithful.

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations. (Deut. 7:9) 

If we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself. (2 Timothy 2:13) 

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. (Ps 86:15) 

“For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed." (Malachi 3:6) 

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

Where do you need to continue to say yes to God in your life? Where is He asking you to wait out His process? What gives you hope and what causes you to stumble and clammer for control? What is one thing you can daringly choose to do, or loose or add to your life in order to follow Him instead of yourself?

Because...at least for me...when that roller coaster train returns to the station where it started, I always want to get back in line and ride again.

In love,
S