To start is to be vulnerable

Overlooking Santorini from our cruise ship. October 2016.

23 Days.

***This post brought to you by the very fact that I was just eating caramel corn, drinking wine out of a bottle I stoppered with tinfoil nearly a month ago and contemplating how I got here***

You're welcome.

I am the first to admit that I've done a deplorable job of keeping all of you appraised, but I hope my summaries below will remind you that I'm still here, still single and most hopefully ready to mingle.

So. Let this serve as a countdown where you'll forgive me and we'll prepare to sing in this new year together...as I continue to blog about singleness...because no doubt my caramel corn and wine habits aren't changing and there will still be a need in this wonderful world of ours for some real life talk.

Since I wrote you all last:

I started a new job.
I started my third year of seminary.
I started my own photography business...something I've dreamed for over 10 years.
I started the arduous process of learning New Testament Greek.
I started to feel like throwing up at the mention of NT Greek.
I became president of our seminary student body...somewhat reluctantly...no, fully reluctantly. More on that later.

And last but definitely not least:

I embarked on my very first solo trip abroad for a once in a lifetime opportunity to travel Greece and Turkey for a footsteps of the Apostle Paul tour. Once there, I met up with a group of the most inspiring 48 individuals one could ever meet. Oh. And Christine Caine and Bianca Olthoff were there. With us. They hugged me. And because of this I am now fairly certain that my life in this eschaton is complete.

As I reflect on these last five months I've come to realize that they have exhausted the meaning of start. I'm not sure I've ever started so much in my entire life.

I've always liked to start things. Growing up, I was always starting new craft projects and coming up with new inventions and ideas on how to make our world a better place. Starting gets my little "Activator" heart all gooey on the inside. I love the process of starting new things and investing others in my ventures (i.e. you are currently reading one...)

But with all these starts have come other starts.

Alongside all these good things...

I started to doubt.

My call. My talent. My abilities.
My character. My looks. My age.
My worth. My last year. My next year.

In this season wrapped up in the adrenaline that comes to people like me who love "to start" came an equally powerful and all together debilitating season wrapped up in fear.

Am I really called to lead?
As a woman, am I (will I be) included, accepted...targeted?
Do I have anything worthwhile to say?
Am I good enough?

I know I'm not alone in wrestling with these questions. I know I've wrestled with them before and came out on the other side breathing and with all my limbs. I know "the answer" to all of them...and yet, I still struggle. Sometimes more, sometimes less. We all do in our own ways.

For me...

Every time our Greek professor calls my name I sense this surge of terror well up in my gut and feel my mind go numb. I just sit there, full of fear, staring at him like an idiot. I haven't won the prize for our class clown...although believe me I've tried. I'm not sure the guys in the room know what to do with me...and so I sit there...with my palms all sweaty and my blood pressure off the charts...believing the lies that I'm not worthy to be there. That I'm not smart enough. That everyone in the room questions not only my presence, but my abilities. I'm a girl...in a room full of boys...and I feel alone and siloed and not sure anymore that I'm called to lead like them.

For many weeks in a row this fall I was overcome with so much anxiety about attending church alone that I couldn't bring myself to go. I couldn't muster enough gumption to get out my front door. And so, I rolled myself up in a ball and cried.

The other day I met this guy at an event. He followed me everywhere. You'd think I had Doritos growing out of my back or something because anytime I turned around, there he was. Anyway. We were chatting and he did the sly "when did you graduate?" spiel that all of us know is just a ploy to get a rough estimate of one's age. Like clockwork, I witnessed all the blood drain from his face as he did the math...only to discover that his wife to be was 6 years his senior.

Sorry, man.

Sorry you think I'M OLD.

What does "looking 29" even freaking mean?!!!?

Just stop.

Stop looking surprised. Stop trying to compliment through your awkwardness that I have nice skin, "have done a great job keeping up with myself" and all the other shitty things you think are okay to say in that moment.

Needless to say, although Doritos guy was nice and well meaning. And although I know that I know that I know he didn't mean anything by his unintentional reaction. And although I know his surprise and (disappointment?) to the number of years I've lived on this earth do not define me or determine whether or not I'm anything other than what I am...it still caused me pause.

When I think about it, starting is precipitated out of a willingness to be vulnerable. We can't begin if we don't take a first step, no matter how small.

When I started my photography business I was so nervous to make my work public because being public means you put yourself out in the world's eye to SEE YOU....and it may not like what it sees.

But you know what? I'm so glad I did it. Over the past few months I've learned more than I thought I ever needed to know as well as learned I will never stop learning. My style will always change and I will always be improving. The nature of the craft is that one does not stay static. As an artist, we are forever being transformed and our style showcases that transformation.

How true is that of our persons in general? Most specifically for those of us who believe that God's Holy Spirit is inside of our souls directing and guiding us toward the end result of Christ's beautiful character.

We will never be the same as we are today. We are forever starting and stopping. Growing and changing.

Which brings us back to this idea of vulnerability and its connection to our souls.

Our dreams, designs, ideas and what-have-yous may be birthed in the secret of our minds and hearts BUT they cannot become reality without action. Without the pen being put to the paper or the rubber meeting the road, our grand ideas will just sit where they were created until the creator will give them birth.

The same is true for our thought life. I may have been attacked while I was down (or as I would like to believe, because the devil is REAL afraid of me) but I allowed those icky lies and doubts to seep into who I believed myself to be and what I believed I was called to do. I allowed myself to become vulnerable to the negative ploys of our sinful world and the king of lies.

The creator of the universe is no different. He starts the world (ummm scary pressure much?! We're talking the universe here and everything that literally exists...and regardless of whether you're a YEC or Evolutionist or somewhere in the middle, I think it's safe to say that the universe STARTED at some point, somehow...I digress.)

As we are told in Genesis, God choose action by speaking his creation into existence. (Again...was he freaking crazy?! What a nuts and yet totally awesome, "I'm creator of the world" thing to do...)

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said ..."

God said. He didn't just hover and he didn't just think. He said....He acted.

Not only this, but God created us. "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness...so God created man in his own image." (vs. 26)

Think about that.

God created human beings all the while knowing that these same human beings could (and would) hate him and each other some day.

If that isn't pure vulnerability, I'm not sure what is. 

To create, to let your creation be seen and lived, all the while knowing it will reflect you but also may not be accepted or loved or used the way in which you intended...that take guts...and love for the greater good.

So. What are you wanting to start? What have you already started? Is it spreading love and joy? Or is it keeping you in doubt and in bondage?


Every form of action we take in our starts (whether they be of the new job or "why am I still not good enough" variety) is a step into vulnerability. And it's our prerogative to decide to what we will allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

For me. Let it be love. Let it be joy. Let it be peace. Let it be patience. Let is be kindness, goodness and faithfulness.

Amen.

-S

Desperate: Where the story begins

Well. Here I am.

It's taken 4 days, but I'm here. And so are you, so thanks for joining me.

Over the past four days I've scoured the internet for blog name ideas and the perfect template. Did you know "minimalist" is in? I do now, and so do you.

I wanted this blog to "feel right" and embody both my story and personality as I share it with the world...or you know, all six of you.

I've texted many a friend for advice on choosing a catchy tagline and debated font choices more times than I'd like to admit. And yet, here I am with the same story I'd planned to share before any of this started.

Because, in reality, we can paint ourselves however we like, but our stories and our souls speak for themselves. 

No chic but rustic background with the perfect fading Instagram feed scrolling across the bottom of this page drizzled with hand-painted watercolor flowers changes anything. It just doesn't matter.

So I chose white, and you'll see why.

A month ago I had a dream unlike any I'd ever had before. The fact that I remember it is miracle in an of itself, not to mention that it wasn't a teaching-terror (all you former teachers know exactly what I mean!)

In the dream I found myself walking through a field along a grassy path. The sky was bright white, covered in a thick homogeneous cloud. Neutral colors surrounded me, the field glimmered with white flowers and dry grasses the color of everything Restoration Hardware. It was simple, but perfect.

As I walked I noticed others around me, many taking photos of the breathtaking landscape. Along the path I noticed two people talking, facing one another. I couldn't see their faces but I knew they were a man and a woman and the woman's back was to me. As I passed them, I noticed she had a bright green leaf sitting on the back of her head accompanied by a bug thing sitting dead center on the leaf. Thinking this to be strange, I questioned why someone would want a leaf and a bug on their head and kept walking toward the awe-inspiring white blooms in the distance.

These flowers were unlike any I'd ever seen. Simple, yet tantalizing, and pure, sparkling white. As I neared them I got excited. I love flowers and find their intricate design baffling; God is so talented. Leaning in to marvel I noticed right away that among these beautifully perfect flowers were those very same bright green leaves and bugs! They startled me, but I studied them. The bugs were not bugs at all but little demon bat-looking animals the size of one's thumb and oh so ugly. They were silent, but the moment they saw me they'd reach out their little claws clammering to take hold.

I jumped back, reminiscent of times when my flower-doting is disrupted by a bee in real life, and kept walking. Soon, these demon-bugs followed, I could sense them flying around my head like you do when it's the middle of summer and the horse flies have found you and although they won't touch you until they know they can have you, you know that they're there. I swatted and quickened my pace, turning around to come back the way I came.

I passed the same couple I had noticed before, still talking and focused solely on one another. As I walked by I noticed the leaf and bug were still happily perched upon the nape of her neck. It was as if she was completely unaware they were even there. More demon bugs dive bombed my head and I began to freak out, swatting the air like crazy. I was distraught. These stupid bug demon things had ruined what I found to be so perfect and beautiful! I suddenly didn't care about the field or staying longer to take it all in, I wanted out. As another hit my head I woke up, still pondering the demon bugs' demise...and in that moment I felt God say, "Steph, you'd have to burn the field."

BURN the field?! What? NO! Burning the field destroys everything, not just the stupid bugs! Try again.

Then I heard, "To kill them, you have to destroy them...and that happens at their root."

Oh. Huh. Hmmm.

Symbols and images started to swirl in my head.

Sin and the enemy's lies taint what was made to be pure and good and beautiful, rendering it less than desirable and stripping it of it's intended purpose. Sin quietly and simultaneously tempts us into its clutches and doesn't let go. 

I continued in prayer, asking God for wisdom and what it was he was wanting me to "burn" and give over to him.

And it was clear. Unfortunately.

Dating. Broken heartedness. Lies I was believing about myself, others and relationships.

2015 was a hard year for me. Marked by two broken hearts, these last 12 months produced within me a whole lot of strength with equal dose of secret desperation.

I'm 28. I know, I know...that's not old. I know I look like I'm 12. I know I still have "so much life ahead of me"...but...my closest girlfriends from college and beyond are ALL married. They've all found someone. And they are now making babies. They feel thousands of leagues ahead of me in the sea of life...a sea seemingly lacking in "other fish" by the way.

I wrestle with feeling forgotten and unlovable. Why me? Why not me? Why am I still in this place? What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? Am I being punished?

I may deny it, but deep down at the bottom of my soul, I desire to be chosen like all my friends... and every other girl on my Facebook feed having mason jar weddings in the deep woods wearing plaid.

I want it. I am desperate for it. So desperate, subconsciously, that I've ignored red flags and mistreatment and the "he's just not really all that into you" signs...and maybe worse...the "I'm just not that into him either but I don't have hope I'll meet someone better" thoughts. I've eaten the enemy's lies regarding my self worth instead of feeding on God's truth of who I am and who me made me to be. For too long I've allowed relationships and others to define me, to tell me things about myself that just are not true. I curtailed myself to fit in others' lives and needs and ignored my own and I've stifled God's voice when it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

And so. Here I am. Realizing I've been desperate for the wrong things and desperate to change.

I am desperate to know God more. I am desperate to destroy the areas of my life that keep me from him, areas that keep me from fully trusting, fully loving and fully accepting his grace.

And so...I'm choosing to obey...and it terrifies me. I'm not sure why trusting God in this area of my life proves to be so difficult but it is...even though my white knuckling hasn't proved fruitful.

I don't believe God has asked me to do anything more than come to him and rest. To curl up next to him, lay my head upon his chest, look up and accept his love. But, I needed a tangible goal and I don't think that's a bad thing. So over the next year, all 365 days, I am daring to be dateless. I am daring to believe that God will burn my field of pain, heart break, and lies and make all things new if I let him.

Because you know what? When a field is burned, it comes back stronger and healthier.

The burning was intended all along. 

A burned field is refined, healed and restored to new... and filled with possibility and hope.  

The Lord desires to make things new. He desires to return our metaphorical fields filled with weeds and thorns and nasty demon bugs to the "fields" he intended in the beginning.

Come now, let us settle the matter," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. (Isaiah 1:18)

Is there something the Lord wants you to give over to him? Is redemption needed somewhere in your life? What areas of your character need refinement? What lies are you allowing to buzz around and dive bomb your head? Loose your grip and give it over.

My hope in writing over the next year is that others will be encouraged by truth and see that they are not alone. We're all waiting for something. We're all desperate for things that won't bring fullness or contentedness or everlasting joy. Over the next year, my prayer is that I'll grow to be more desperate for Him...and that you will too.

With love,
S

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:14 NIV)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

Be still and know that I am God. (Ps 46:10 NIV)

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; Be gracious and compassionate to me and answer me. When You said, “Seek My face [in prayer, require My presence as your greatest need],” my heart said to You, “Your face, O Lord, I will seek [on the authority of Your word].” (Psalm 27:7-8 AMP)