To start is to be vulnerable

Overlooking Santorini from our cruise ship. October 2016.

23 Days.

***This post brought to you by the very fact that I was just eating caramel corn, drinking wine out of a bottle I stoppered with tinfoil nearly a month ago and contemplating how I got here***

You're welcome.

I am the first to admit that I've done a deplorable job of keeping all of you appraised, but I hope my summaries below will remind you that I'm still here, still single and most hopefully ready to mingle.

So. Let this serve as a countdown where you'll forgive me and we'll prepare to sing in this new year together...as I continue to blog about singleness...because no doubt my caramel corn and wine habits aren't changing and there will still be a need in this wonderful world of ours for some real life talk.

Since I wrote you all last:

I started a new job.
I started my third year of seminary.
I started my own photography business...something I've dreamed for over 10 years.
I started the arduous process of learning New Testament Greek.
I started to feel like throwing up at the mention of NT Greek.
I became president of our seminary student body...somewhat reluctantly...no, fully reluctantly. More on that later.

And last but definitely not least:

I embarked on my very first solo trip abroad for a once in a lifetime opportunity to travel Greece and Turkey for a footsteps of the Apostle Paul tour. Once there, I met up with a group of the most inspiring 48 individuals one could ever meet. Oh. And Christine Caine and Bianca Olthoff were there. With us. They hugged me. And because of this I am now fairly certain that my life in this eschaton is complete.

As I reflect on these last five months I've come to realize that they have exhausted the meaning of start. I'm not sure I've ever started so much in my entire life.

I've always liked to start things. Growing up, I was always starting new craft projects and coming up with new inventions and ideas on how to make our world a better place. Starting gets my little "Activator" heart all gooey on the inside. I love the process of starting new things and investing others in my ventures (i.e. you are currently reading one...)

But with all these starts have come other starts.

Alongside all these good things...

I started to doubt.

My call. My talent. My abilities.
My character. My looks. My age.
My worth. My last year. My next year.

In this season wrapped up in the adrenaline that comes to people like me who love "to start" came an equally powerful and all together debilitating season wrapped up in fear.

Am I really called to lead?
As a woman, am I (will I be) included, accepted...targeted?
Do I have anything worthwhile to say?
Am I good enough?

I know I'm not alone in wrestling with these questions. I know I've wrestled with them before and came out on the other side breathing and with all my limbs. I know "the answer" to all of them...and yet, I still struggle. Sometimes more, sometimes less. We all do in our own ways.

For me...

Every time our Greek professor calls my name I sense this surge of terror well up in my gut and feel my mind go numb. I just sit there, full of fear, staring at him like an idiot. I haven't won the prize for our class clown...although believe me I've tried. I'm not sure the guys in the room know what to do with me...and so I sit there...with my palms all sweaty and my blood pressure off the charts...believing the lies that I'm not worthy to be there. That I'm not smart enough. That everyone in the room questions not only my presence, but my abilities. I'm a girl...in a room full of boys...and I feel alone and siloed and not sure anymore that I'm called to lead like them.

For many weeks in a row this fall I was overcome with so much anxiety about attending church alone that I couldn't bring myself to go. I couldn't muster enough gumption to get out my front door. And so, I rolled myself up in a ball and cried.

The other day I met this guy at an event. He followed me everywhere. You'd think I had Doritos growing out of my back or something because anytime I turned around, there he was. Anyway. We were chatting and he did the sly "when did you graduate?" spiel that all of us know is just a ploy to get a rough estimate of one's age. Like clockwork, I witnessed all the blood drain from his face as he did the math...only to discover that his wife to be was 6 years his senior.

Sorry, man.

Sorry you think I'M OLD.

What does "looking 29" even freaking mean?!!!?

Just stop.

Stop looking surprised. Stop trying to compliment through your awkwardness that I have nice skin, "have done a great job keeping up with myself" and all the other shitty things you think are okay to say in that moment.

Needless to say, although Doritos guy was nice and well meaning. And although I know that I know that I know he didn't mean anything by his unintentional reaction. And although I know his surprise and (disappointment?) to the number of years I've lived on this earth do not define me or determine whether or not I'm anything other than what I am...it still caused me pause.

When I think about it, starting is precipitated out of a willingness to be vulnerable. We can't begin if we don't take a first step, no matter how small.

When I started my photography business I was so nervous to make my work public because being public means you put yourself out in the world's eye to SEE YOU....and it may not like what it sees.

But you know what? I'm so glad I did it. Over the past few months I've learned more than I thought I ever needed to know as well as learned I will never stop learning. My style will always change and I will always be improving. The nature of the craft is that one does not stay static. As an artist, we are forever being transformed and our style showcases that transformation.

How true is that of our persons in general? Most specifically for those of us who believe that God's Holy Spirit is inside of our souls directing and guiding us toward the end result of Christ's beautiful character.

We will never be the same as we are today. We are forever starting and stopping. Growing and changing.

Which brings us back to this idea of vulnerability and its connection to our souls.

Our dreams, designs, ideas and what-have-yous may be birthed in the secret of our minds and hearts BUT they cannot become reality without action. Without the pen being put to the paper or the rubber meeting the road, our grand ideas will just sit where they were created until the creator will give them birth.

The same is true for our thought life. I may have been attacked while I was down (or as I would like to believe, because the devil is REAL afraid of me) but I allowed those icky lies and doubts to seep into who I believed myself to be and what I believed I was called to do. I allowed myself to become vulnerable to the negative ploys of our sinful world and the king of lies.

The creator of the universe is no different. He starts the world (ummm scary pressure much?! We're talking the universe here and everything that literally exists...and regardless of whether you're a YEC or Evolutionist or somewhere in the middle, I think it's safe to say that the universe STARTED at some point, somehow...I digress.)

As we are told in Genesis, God choose action by speaking his creation into existence. (Again...was he freaking crazy?! What a nuts and yet totally awesome, "I'm creator of the world" thing to do...)

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said ..."

God said. He didn't just hover and he didn't just think. He said....He acted.

Not only this, but God created us. "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness...so God created man in his own image." (vs. 26)

Think about that.

God created human beings all the while knowing that these same human beings could (and would) hate him and each other some day.

If that isn't pure vulnerability, I'm not sure what is. 

To create, to let your creation be seen and lived, all the while knowing it will reflect you but also may not be accepted or loved or used the way in which you intended...that take guts...and love for the greater good.

So. What are you wanting to start? What have you already started? Is it spreading love and joy? Or is it keeping you in doubt and in bondage?


Every form of action we take in our starts (whether they be of the new job or "why am I still not good enough" variety) is a step into vulnerability. And it's our prerogative to decide to what we will allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

For me. Let it be love. Let it be joy. Let it be peace. Let it be patience. Let is be kindness, goodness and faithfulness.

Amen.

-S

Why You Can't Do Everything

I've been feeling stretched thin lately.

If there's one thing you should know about me it's that I have a hard time saying no. I like people, I like helping them and I also like people to like me. On top of all of this, I like a lot of stuff. I'm passionate about just about everything with exceptions to professional wrestling and bug collecting... but, yes, everything else...and I bet I could get really into bug collecting if I tried. Not wrestling...well maybe.

I digress.

Over and over again throughout this past week, the ideas of simplifying and focusing-in have popped up as themes.

Every time I'd turn on the radio it seemed like someone had just called in seconds before to share a word on finding one's calling and not becoming distracted. Songs upon songs, messages, devotionals and that annoying little voice in my head who I tend to attribute to the Holy Spirit (Read: annoying because He is usually nudging convicting me of things I'd rather ignore) each pointed to this same idea:
I am busy and I am actively distracting myself from what God has for me to do here and now.

The past few weeks I've had something on my calendar after work each and every day, sometimes more than one thing per night. Strategically stuffed, my calendar looks a lot like that closet in your house who's door you slowly open (or don't open) so as not to upset the haphazard chaos inside...as long as it all fits and the door closes, right?

Sunday's sermon at my church involved an emphasis on margin and its relation to being teachable. If we lack margin, our pastor said, we lack capacity to learn and be humbled. In time, this lack of capacity and margin translates to distraction and distraction works to keep us tangled in everything but what we are called to do.

Think about it.

A high school athlete, more often than not, cannot be both a basketball star and swim star in the same season. Although he/she may excel in each sport, and somehow make every game and meet, he/she will not be able to attend each and every practice held at the very same time on the very same day. And with every missed practice for one sport or the other, he/she limits his/her ability to grow and reach their full potential in either sport.

The same is true for each of us, athletic or not.

We cannot do everything. 

We cannot succeed at everything.

We cannot continue living our lives distracting ourselves from the fact that we believe ourselves to be our own God.

I think so often, because I don't know what it is that I'm called to, or even what I really really like to do, I create almost contingency plans for myself by just choosing to do everything that seems right or good or true "just in case" because I'm afraid that choosing one group/hobby/church/activity/class over another will somehow cause me to "miss it" or "mess up".

We don't have that kind of power.

My fixation on not "missing it" or "messing it up" has brought me to a place where I am trying to do everything and be the very best at it all because deep down I do not trust that the right thing, at the right time can fall into place without my "divine" acts of will.

We need to specialize. We need to focus in. Instead of spreading ourselves so thin that we're only half good (or not good at all) at a lot of things, we need to center our attention on the areas of our lives where we sense the deepest need, nudge or call to continue to grow and give back.

There are so many things that I want to do and accomplish this year. So many things that are good and wonderful and God-honoring.

And yet, "good" does not equal "right".

Sometimes we need to give up doing good things because they ultimately distract us from the right things.

What is the Lord calling you to give up? How could you create more margin in your life so that you can begin to grow in teachability, sensitivity and openness to what or where the Lord is calling you?

Although I tend to pack my schedule to the brim, some of you may struggle to add things. This is just the opposite side of the same coin.

For you, where are you being nudged to give of yourself, your time or your energy? How can you safeguard yourself from locking yourself away and be more open to saying yes?


To margin,
-S

It Needs to Continue

You know when you're on a roller coaster and the train starts to climb that first big hill and you can't yet see the entire course of the ride and with every little clicking sound you begin to question why you got on and how you could potentially still get off but then you see those little flags marking the top and you know it's too late?

Because...now that it is started...it needs to continue. 

That's how I feel right now, I'm metaphorically waiting at the top of the hill next to those darn flags questioning what it is I have done.

Can I really do this?

More than six of you read my last post. A lot more than six. I'm astonished and honored and terrified all in one. Over the last two days I've questioned myself a lot. What will I write next? Will it be good enough, funny enough, deep enough, real enough? Was posting my guts online really that good of an idea? Maybe...and maybe not.

And, down deeper...What if miss out on "potential" Mr. Right because he enters my life within the next 350 some days? What if in a year there are LITERALLY NO SINGLE MEN LEFT on the entire planet? What if this year ends up being a waste? A waste of precious time in my twenties before I suddenly stop looking 12 and my hair turns grey over night and I'm not changed and God doesn't seem closer?

The truth is, saying yes to God (or really anything) is easy until you have to labor through the process and say it again. 

Imagine the Israelites wandering the desert for 40 years. Even though they literally had God leading their path with a supernatural pillar of fire, they still complained...because the process is hard and we want what we want now.

Think of Abraham and Sarah, they waited YEARS to see God's promise fulfilled for Sarah to become pregnant and even took matters into their own hands in order to fulfill their promise in their own way.

Waiting is disorienting, it makes us do desperate and disobedient things. 

And then, I think of Jesus. Jesus knew full well who he was. Even after preaching in the temple with the bigwigs at the young age of twelve, he labored alongside his father as a regular 'ole carpenter for 18 MORE YEARS before his ministry (his promise and calling) even began!

Jesus could have rushed it. He could of said, "Here, here friends, I am the Christ...and yes, I not only look 12 but I am 12...listen to me! I am your messiah! Come, let us heal people and save the world" but he didn't.

Jesus waited. 

The scripture doesn't tell us what those 18 years looked like, nor do we get an insiders look as to when Jesus knew the timing was right for him to leave his family and begin his journey towards Jerusalem, but we do know he did not start when he was 12...and we can surmise that His Father in heaven prepared the way for that perfect time, refining and growing up His Son in order to prepare Him for what laid ahead.

The same is true for us. We are not called to say yes once, but continuously. And a lot of times that means we wait.

It wasn't easy for me to say yes to this year of saying no. It wasn't easy to tell someone I liked a lot that the timing didn't feel right and I couldn't commit to dating them in this season and hear their broken spirit through the phone. It wasn't easy to take the cotton balls out of my ears and listen to what I did not want to hear. It wasn't easy to obey what I've felt the Lord speaking to me for a long time...but I can tell you that the Lord was with me through the process and gave me the strength and courage to do it.

Continuously choosing to trust God and say yes to him, obey him, and ride the roller coaster of our lives through the ups and downs and waiting plateaus can be excruciating. But, God is faithful and promises to be near to us.

At the end of this, I am not guaranteed anything, much less Prince Charming with a bouquet of peonies and a pink pony asking for my hand in marriage. And yet, one thing is for sure: the Lord's love for me (and you) is unwavering and unchangeable and ever present and faithful.

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations. (Deut. 7:9) 

If we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself. (2 Timothy 2:13) 

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. (Ps 86:15) 

“For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed." (Malachi 3:6) 

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

Where do you need to continue to say yes to God in your life? Where is He asking you to wait out His process? What gives you hope and what causes you to stumble and clammer for control? What is one thing you can daringly choose to do, or loose or add to your life in order to follow Him instead of yourself?

Because...at least for me...when that roller coaster train returns to the station where it started, I always want to get back in line and ride again.

In love,
S