Desperate: Where the story begins

Well. Here I am.

It's taken 4 days, but I'm here. And so are you, so thanks for joining me.

Over the past four days I've scoured the internet for blog name ideas and the perfect template. Did you know "minimalist" is in? I do now, and so do you.

I wanted this blog to "feel right" and embody both my story and personality as I share it with the world...or you know, all six of you.

I've texted many a friend for advice on choosing a catchy tagline and debated font choices more times than I'd like to admit. And yet, here I am with the same story I'd planned to share before any of this started.

Because, in reality, we can paint ourselves however we like, but our stories and our souls speak for themselves. 

No chic but rustic background with the perfect fading Instagram feed scrolling across the bottom of this page drizzled with hand-painted watercolor flowers changes anything. It just doesn't matter.

So I chose white, and you'll see why.

A month ago I had a dream unlike any I'd ever had before. The fact that I remember it is miracle in an of itself, not to mention that it wasn't a teaching-terror (all you former teachers know exactly what I mean!)

In the dream I found myself walking through a field along a grassy path. The sky was bright white, covered in a thick homogeneous cloud. Neutral colors surrounded me, the field glimmered with white flowers and dry grasses the color of everything Restoration Hardware. It was simple, but perfect.

As I walked I noticed others around me, many taking photos of the breathtaking landscape. Along the path I noticed two people talking, facing one another. I couldn't see their faces but I knew they were a man and a woman and the woman's back was to me. As I passed them, I noticed she had a bright green leaf sitting on the back of her head accompanied by a bug thing sitting dead center on the leaf. Thinking this to be strange, I questioned why someone would want a leaf and a bug on their head and kept walking toward the awe-inspiring white blooms in the distance.

These flowers were unlike any I'd ever seen. Simple, yet tantalizing, and pure, sparkling white. As I neared them I got excited. I love flowers and find their intricate design baffling; God is so talented. Leaning in to marvel I noticed right away that among these beautifully perfect flowers were those very same bright green leaves and bugs! They startled me, but I studied them. The bugs were not bugs at all but little demon bat-looking animals the size of one's thumb and oh so ugly. They were silent, but the moment they saw me they'd reach out their little claws clammering to take hold.

I jumped back, reminiscent of times when my flower-doting is disrupted by a bee in real life, and kept walking. Soon, these demon-bugs followed, I could sense them flying around my head like you do when it's the middle of summer and the horse flies have found you and although they won't touch you until they know they can have you, you know that they're there. I swatted and quickened my pace, turning around to come back the way I came.

I passed the same couple I had noticed before, still talking and focused solely on one another. As I walked by I noticed the leaf and bug were still happily perched upon the nape of her neck. It was as if she was completely unaware they were even there. More demon bugs dive bombed my head and I began to freak out, swatting the air like crazy. I was distraught. These stupid bug demon things had ruined what I found to be so perfect and beautiful! I suddenly didn't care about the field or staying longer to take it all in, I wanted out. As another hit my head I woke up, still pondering the demon bugs' demise...and in that moment I felt God say, "Steph, you'd have to burn the field."

BURN the field?! What? NO! Burning the field destroys everything, not just the stupid bugs! Try again.

Then I heard, "To kill them, you have to destroy them...and that happens at their root."

Oh. Huh. Hmmm.

Symbols and images started to swirl in my head.

Sin and the enemy's lies taint what was made to be pure and good and beautiful, rendering it less than desirable and stripping it of it's intended purpose. Sin quietly and simultaneously tempts us into its clutches and doesn't let go. 

I continued in prayer, asking God for wisdom and what it was he was wanting me to "burn" and give over to him.

And it was clear. Unfortunately.

Dating. Broken heartedness. Lies I was believing about myself, others and relationships.

2015 was a hard year for me. Marked by two broken hearts, these last 12 months produced within me a whole lot of strength with equal dose of secret desperation.

I'm 28. I know, I know...that's not old. I know I look like I'm 12. I know I still have "so much life ahead of me" closest girlfriends from college and beyond are ALL married. They've all found someone. And they are now making babies. They feel thousands of leagues ahead of me in the sea of life...a sea seemingly lacking in "other fish" by the way.

I wrestle with feeling forgotten and unlovable. Why me? Why not me? Why am I still in this place? What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? Am I being punished?

I may deny it, but deep down at the bottom of my soul, I desire to be chosen like all my friends... and every other girl on my Facebook feed having mason jar weddings in the deep woods wearing plaid.

I want it. I am desperate for it. So desperate, subconsciously, that I've ignored red flags and mistreatment and the "he's just not really all that into you" signs...and maybe worse...the "I'm just not that into him either but I don't have hope I'll meet someone better" thoughts. I've eaten the enemy's lies regarding my self worth instead of feeding on God's truth of who I am and who me made me to be. For too long I've allowed relationships and others to define me, to tell me things about myself that just are not true. I curtailed myself to fit in others' lives and needs and ignored my own and I've stifled God's voice when it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

And so. Here I am. Realizing I've been desperate for the wrong things and desperate to change.

I am desperate to know God more. I am desperate to destroy the areas of my life that keep me from him, areas that keep me from fully trusting, fully loving and fully accepting his grace.

And so...I'm choosing to obey...and it terrifies me. I'm not sure why trusting God in this area of my life proves to be so difficult but it is...even though my white knuckling hasn't proved fruitful.

I don't believe God has asked me to do anything more than come to him and rest. To curl up next to him, lay my head upon his chest, look up and accept his love. But, I needed a tangible goal and I don't think that's a bad thing. So over the next year, all 365 days, I am daring to be dateless. I am daring to believe that God will burn my field of pain, heart break, and lies and make all things new if I let him.

Because you know what? When a field is burned, it comes back stronger and healthier.

The burning was intended all along. 

A burned field is refined, healed and restored to new... and filled with possibility and hope.  

The Lord desires to make things new. He desires to return our metaphorical fields filled with weeds and thorns and nasty demon bugs to the "fields" he intended in the beginning.
Come now, let us settle the matter," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. (Isaiah 1:18)
Is there something the Lord wants you to give over to him? Is redemption needed somewhere in your life? What areas of your character need refinement? What lies are you allowing to buzz around and dive bomb your head? Loose your grip and give it over.

My hope in writing over the next year is that others will be encouraged by truth and see that they are not alone. We're all waiting for something. We're all desperate for things that won't bring fullness or contentedness or everlasting joy. Over the next year, my prayer is that I'll grow to be more desperate for Him...and that you will too.

With love,
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:14 NIV)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)
Be still and know that I am God. (Ps 46:10 NIV)
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; Be gracious and compassionate to me and answer me. When You said, “Seek My face [in prayer, require My presence as your greatest need],” my heart said to You, “Your face, O Lord, I will seek [on the authority of Your word].” (Psalm 27:7-8 AMP)


  1. First post at 3am! Thanks for daring to write this.

  2. I love this. I hear so much conviction and clarity. And I hear love of God and love of self. You are brave to tackle this head on and to share your struggles with the world.

    " For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

  3. Yes there is great meaning in this, your dream so well written and explained. You are someone, you are wonderfully made in God's image
    Find your strengths and weaknesses. It will all come together. A special meaning for you and others on the same path. Thank you God Bless

  4. Love this, Steph! So well-written. I'm excited to go on this journey with you, and to see where God will lead this year. You're a beautiful and wise soul!

  5. steph...i just had time to sit down and read this. That is amazing. I am so proud of excited for you and what God has for you this year. And encouraged to examine my own life. What a remarkable dream and for God to speak to you this way. Only He can ask such big things of us with the promise of a huge return on our investment!! I will be praying for you. ~Stacy

  6. Dear Steph,

    Thank you for sharing your heart like this. The idea of daring to be dateless the whole year is terrifying for myself The way you articulate how you feel, is somewhat very very similar to what goes through in my head but often just stays there. I've read some of your newer posts, too, and I'm thankful I've found your blog by "accident" (I believe this isn't coincidental).

    This has challenged me, too, but I'm not sure how I'm gonna go about it in the year to come as well. I've gone through heartbreak, but of a different kind.

    I'm just really grateful that God has been showing me how I'm really really not alone in any of my struggles and demons.

    Keep writing & keep challenging us, Steph. I believe you're gonna be an encouragement to many other young Christian women, not just in relationships but in everyday life, as well.

    Thank you. Thank God.


    1. Liesl-

      God is so so cool. I swear each week I go through a little slump and out of the blue someone tells me they've connected with what I've written and that I should continue. THAT has been my prayer through this-there is such a need for us to be reminded of truth regardless of our life stage and that we are not alone on this journey which at times can feel so isolating.

      This first month and a half has been terrifying and yet some of the most joy filled in my life. Hang in there. I challenge you to pray about the Lord may be encouraging you to give over to him in obedience. It won't be easy, but I believe it will be so so worth it.

      Much love you to, thank you for connecting and reading my story!


  7. Steph!

    Thankyou for daring to share your story with us. I myself am going through the same thing as you and am constantly praying that God will help me give it over to Him.

    It is so hard when everyone around you is at the stage of life (marriage, kids, etc) that you want for yourself. My best friend will be getting engaged at the end of the year. Whilst I'm so happy for her it is so hard not to compare your stage of life with theirs.

    I know quite a few friends going through exactly the same thing and us and hurts to see them going through this pain and suffering and not being able to fix.

    I pray that God would draw us close to him and help us to become full through Him not by some guy which won't fill us up.

    I would definitely recommend reading Danah Gresh's book "Get Lost" about getting so lost in God which I know you desire to do.

    Thanks again for your inspiration and strong heart. Hang in there!! I look forward to reading more of your blog. You have a real talent for writing!

    Love Ella

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    1. Ella! This comment made my day and is such an encouragement to my heart-you'll see why in an upcoming post (when I return from an adventure in Peru!)

      May your heart be encouraged knowing you're also not alone-the enemy's lies are not that creative-he tells us the same ridiculous things. May we both continue to charge hard after him seeking his face first. I will for sure check out Get Lost, I feel as though I've heard of it before.

      Thank you so much for reading and connecting with me :)

    2. I look forward to hearing why and reading about your trip! :) enjoy it! Definitely try and check out "get lost" it's awesome!