Why we need to stop thinking of singlehood as if its a clearance shoe rack

I stopped into DSW (Designer Shoe Warehouse) today hopeful to find a cute shoe on sale that would go well with basically every outfit I own.

Tall order, I know.

As I meandered the aisles, looking up and down each one, not one shoe caught my eye. In one last ditch effort, I took the walk of shame to the back of the room. Yes. I went to the clearance shoe rack; that dreaded back area of the store where all is fair in love and war and maritime law ceases to exist.

Strewn about in ordered chaos and nothing like the shoes on the floor displayed on their crystal pedestals, these shoes always dash my hopes and dreams. More times than not, I leave the store empty handed, wondering why my feet couldn't just be a size 4.5 so I could, you know, buy shoes on sale that don't look like they were made in the dark by ostriches with hands.

Shopping in the clearance rack is exhausting for this very reason. The shoes left over are the ones that are a hard sell. They're weird. Or shaped funny. And they're there because nobody wanted them...haphazardly thrown together in a large mass and marked down in the hope that some poor soul will take them home.
 
You may be 28 like me and with every passing second you hear the clock tick down to 30 contemplating how in the next year you're going to do everything you ever wanted before the end of your life.

You may be 33 and rolling your eyes at everything I write because you're annoyed that I'm annoyed that I'm single and only 28 and think my life is ending.

You may be 24 and really are thinking I'm an old hag and this year is a shot in my foot and I have seconds to live.

I don't know.

But what I do know, what I've wrestled with myself and am learning and seeing and hearing from so many of you, is the reality of the fact that many of us fear we are those shoes.

Forgotten.

Unfit.

Ugly.

Leftover.

Not chosen (yet).

Returned.

The wrong ______.

And although we may know that those shoes are NOT WHO WE ARE, in many ways I believe those shoes represent how many of us feel about ourselves and about dating.

Whether intended or not, we've been fed the lie that the good ones are already taken and that all that is left for us unintentional life-thrifters is to scour the clearance racks, swiping left or right in the hope of finding anything a step above ugly, weird and mass-murderer...and fast because those are selling off the shelves too!

Single adults. Hear me.

WE ARE NOT THOSE SHOES. 
THEY ARE NOT THOSE SHOES.

As single adults, we have to stop living into the clearance shoe rack mentality. There is more to who we are and who we were created to be than trying to pull a Cinderella's evil step sister over on our dating lives or project our fears and insecurities onto those whom we think we're destined to have to date.

Time is on our side.
They are not the last one.
You are loved regardless.

We have to stop seeing ourselves as less than our married or successfully relation-shipped friends. We also need to stop seeing ourselves as better, in an attempt to lift our pride and esteem.

We are a part of making up the culture in which we live. We are just as responsible for the lies we internalize as the people and systems in our lives, churches and families who instill them.

As single people, we can either choose to live into the stereotypes that abound, or break them. And we break them through learning to live free.
 
We haven't missed our boat. We are not too old for love. We are not subjected to a castaway lot of misfit, ugly, weird, annoying and awkward clearance rack future husbands and wives.

When all we seem to do is pick up are the 8" heels NOBODY CAN WEAR or the see the adorable size fives that someone else seemed to snatch up before us, even though we know our size nines would never fit, we must continue to push forward. We must continue to live lives or integrity, honor and truth, knowing that the Lord has a plan and that He loves us.

And for real, that plan does not include an ugly loafer...unless you like those...

I get it. I totally do. And I hate it...for both you and me. I know how frustratingly annoying it is to try and try again only to be let down. But fashionista, don't give up. Don't throw in the towel and settle. The blisters and corns aren't worth it.

Because sometimes...sometimes...there are those moments however glint, when you find your PERFECT fit and are ever so glad you waited. So put your Olympic-rated elbowing and bartering skills to rest, dear shopper, and keep your eyes focused on what is ahead.

-S  

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:3

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. -Lamentations 3:25-26

140 Days and Counting: An Update
I have 140 days left of this journey...a 140 in which I fully intend to soak each and every second out of. I love my life and I am learning to truly and deeply love and fully accept who God created me to be...which comes with vulnerability, sacrifice and a little bit of fear as I step into leadership roles and own parts of me I'd rather just hide.

Since I've written last, I've had two different men tell me they were not interested in getting to know me if it meant I wouldn't date them in the immediate...yeah...that really did happen.

I've also started a new job which I love, opened my own photography business (after 10 years of talking about it) and am about to start my third year (of five) of graduate school to complete my second masters degree...this time a Masters of Divinity. And yes, I mean it. So if you're against women leading or speaking in public, you need not apply to be my true love come January 2017. All snark intended.
 

The Participation Award: why it's not what you think

Hello June 7.

Sorry I haven't been here in awhile. Between work and graduate school and the happenings of which will be detailed in the paragraphs below, I just haven't wanted to write. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt like I had nothing remarkable or intelligent to say, no morsel of encouragement to share.

Today, however. Today is different.

Today pushed me over the edge. Today made me realize that I can no longer keep this secret.

Because you know what?  

Secrecy steals power it was never destined to hold.

But first, baseball.

The Minnesota Twins stink this year. They really do. And I feel a deep sadness at the pit of my being for them. Nobody likes to lose. I can't imagine what it must be like to be a professional athlete, someone who literally gets paid large sums of money to play the sport of which they've trained their entire lives, and lose... consistently...time and time again.

How hard would it be to stay "in the game" at a time like this? At a time when all your record has to show for itself is more lost games than the infield can count on their hands?

If you've read my former blog posts, you know that this whole "daring dateless" thing started with a dream and a budding relationship...proceeded by a lot of broken heartedness.  I wanted to write to give single people a voice. To let them know they're not drowning alone in the constant outpouring of baby and engagement photos as they wallow away in a deep dark hole desperately trying to rebuild their social network. Making friends as a single adult is like playing minesweeper. You just know it's a matter of time before that new friend gets married off and you need to start the friend-dating thing all over again.

So often I find that single-people-specific messages are written by people who are no longer wading through the messy loneliness that is being a single adult. It's not that their advice is wrong or their hearts don't mean the very best...it's just that...one loses credibility the moment they say "when".

When.

When is of the past. When happened and moved on. When got what it wanted and left the building.

This past week I found myself remembering when. And I cried until all my mascara was pooled in a dark bubble at the bottom of my chin. A great party trick, try it.

Over the course of the last two months the ex-boyfriend, for which I moved across the country, got engaged; the most beautiful man on the planet (read here) got a hot Brazilian-based girlfriend; and that budding relationship I spoke of...yeah he told me today he's been seeing someone for MONTHS...and asked if I'd be interested in dating HIS BROTHER instead. Umm. NO. That's weird. And insensitive. And I thought you'd wait for me...

Our short text conversation ended with him saying he "appreciates me".

Awesome.

Why don't I get that engraved on a plaque and hang it next to my "you deserve better" and "its not you, its me" awards.

You see, I've got a trophy case full of these participation awards in love. I've got plaques on plaques on plaques and boxes of ribbons like the ones you get in 4th Grade track & field for running the mile-run and not falling over afterward.

I'm sick of the participation award.

I'm sick of showing up and "staying in the game" only to "lose" and not "win". 

You know what else I'm sick of, however? I'm sick of realizing that I continue to store up hope in people and things and relationships and hopes of relationships instead of in God.

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him." (Psalm 62:5, NLT)

Our hope (i.e. our BIG hope, our eternal hope and expectancy) is found in God alone. And in nothing else. Nothing.

Today made me realize that although I've committed to this year, I've soothed my worry and propped myself up with the hope of a rekindling of that budding relationship year-end in a poetic-romance-novel kind of way.

In essence: I can give my life...if it means I still think I'll get what I want.

"If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it." (Matthew 10:39, NLT)

We were not created to be God and judge his character, nor his plans. How often do we do this? Thinking we know better? Do you do this, this giving up to get thing? Do you give up something with a little something in your back pocket just in case?

This is my secret. And I didn't even realize it.

I'd been hoping in something that wasn't a guarantee and yet I made it one in order to make the disorientation and "not so sure what will happen" of this year easier to follow through on. This was keeping me, however, from fully placing myself in God's hands and trusting that HE would direct my path and bestow blessing and favor in his right and perfect timing...which clearly is not my own.

I want to be chosen. I think all of us do. We all desire acceptance and love and...appreciation. But I don't want all of that at the cost of losing myself in the process.

I refuse to believe the lies that came spilling in today, the whispers that said: "you weren't worth the wait" and "you missed your chance." Those are crap and just not true.

Our God is good. He desires good for our lives. He is love.

Is there an area of your life you need to fully surrender? An area that needs a God-hope versus an earthly one? I pray you find that...and that it doesn't involve an appreciation of your participation plaque to add to your wall.

May we continue to pursue to loose those things that keep us from believing and accepting that our God loves us and desires our good...and bind those things that help us to participate in the award of our eternal home.

-S

Day 60-Something: This is Who I Am

After climbing Machu Picchu this March. This may look cool, but I really was just airing my armpits...

Ugh.

I so didn't want to write this.

I've been fighting this post for at least a week. Mostly out of fear...and maybe wanting to hide. But if I'm being totally honest, this post has been a long time coming and for whatever reason, today I have enough gusto to share it.

The other day I had the incredible opportunity to have lunch with a new friend. We'd only ever met in passing prior to the yummy hipster food hour that commenced but we share a mutual friend whom we both love, and long story short, this mutual friend shared this here blog and the rest is history.

Between laughs and kindred-spirit-moments she asked it.

"So...how are you doing this thing? ... I mean, do you struggle? Do you wrestle with 'what ifs'?"


Girl.


Yes.


Yes to it all.


This past month has been a whirlwind of emotion, temptation and questioning my decision.

A whole year? 10 more months of saying no to dating someone? Did I make a mistake? He seems perfect now, what was I thinking! I lost my chance! What if I meet the man of my dreams and he walks away? What if he gives up on me when he finds out I've dedicated the next year of my life to reclaiming who I am and loving God and my myself and learning what I want to do in this world because I want to live for something greater??!

And. And! Of course I'd meet the most gorgeous man alive in month two who tells me I'm pretty and makes me instantaneously combust with happiness...and dread...because then I think about these 10 months again.

As I write this, I can already begin to see the ridiculousness of the worries I have harbored.

...welcome to my creative mind...

It is amazing the power lies from the enemy (and our society) have on us in the dark until we expose them to the light.

Writing this. Exposing it to the light...felt like the end-all worst thing to me over the last two weeks.

I've wrestled with ways to make this post private...or not post at all and write about the llamas I befriended in Peru instead, but I just couldn't do it. I've suffered major writers block...and it's because THIS is what I needed to share. This is what the Lord has on my heart. This is what is authentic and needed and good and unflinchingly raw...but I was afraid because...what if he/she/they read this and thinks I'm...[enter an adjective for strange/weird/crazy here.]

But, this is me.

And if it is one thing I've learned, its that we can no longer change our stories to suit someone else's need.

Sometimes I hide the fact that I love God...because I've wrestled with feeling ashamed of it. People don't always like you, or understand you. I've been the focal point of jokes. I've been forgotten. Rejected. Dismissed. Sometimes it seems like loving and obeying God keeps me from fitting in or getting what it is I think I want...and that...just hurts.

Evil loves this kind of stuff.

The stuff that can get us in a tizzy hating on ourselves and contemplating giving up and hiding in the shadows. This month has felt like the enemy and his minions are somewhere creating little man-bolts of distraction and lies to hurl my way. "Hurry! Hurry! We're losing her! Throw her that one! She won't be able to resist tall, dark and handsome!!! She can't possibly believe she's worth it!"

And those little jerks are right...kind of.

Because I haven't been perfect in this.

I may not be "dating" anyone but I can assure you that I've allowed my heart to get caught up in moments of infatuation or worry about it. Whether its been a call, a text, a special look, an ongoing conversation...or waiting. and waiting. and waiting for someone to respond to a message, I've given myself

my self-worth

my thoughts

my time

my attention

momentarily to story that is not about me and is not mine.

You see. When our hearts get caught up in our own plans and conjured narratives, we miss what is real. We miss the beauty that exists all around us both inside and out. We miss our good through the speckles of bad that can (and have been) wiped clean.

A woman I admire sent me a message the other day. This woman is a long-time, incredible friend who loves God. She is also the type of friend you just listen to because she is wise and hears from the Lord in crazy-cool ways. (She also once had a dream about me getting married so I automatically elevate her to prophet status in my life...)

Her message read, "I was reading Proverbs 4:25 and I thought of you and your year ahead. Hold steadfast, Steph. You won't regret it."

UGH.

In the middle of my battle, in the most perfect annoying of timing, God used her to say this:

25 "Let your eyes look straight ahead;
    fix your gaze directly before you."

...and it continues:

26 "Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
    and be steadfast in all your ways. 
²⁷  Do not turn to the right or the left;
    keep your foot from evil."

What a dagger of sweet, beautiful conviction. I'd been momentarily diverted; caught looking back instead of ahead.

I'm learning that I still place much too much emphasis on what others think of me. I'm learning that I still struggle to trust that God has good for me, that I am not forgotten. That I cannot "mess" this up. That I am worth waiting for should someone come along...and if no one comes...I'm still worthy. And loved. I'm also learning how easily I can be deceived and distracted to curtail myself to fit a different narrative.

But. I'm also learning to fight.

I'm learning to look Satan in the face and say, "Not today!"

We are will never be perfect, but we can perfect the ways we allow ourselves to think about ourselves, our stories and our God. And this, this will affect our actions and reactions to every situation, temptation and story we encounter.

My prayer is that this somehow encourages you in your walk wherever you find yourself.

Maybe you're struggling to find new friends in a new city and it seems like no one likes you or cares. Maybe you hate the way you look. Maybe she broke your heart. Maybe he won't return your calls. Maybe you've lost someone, or a job. Maybe your kids are driving you up the wall and all you can think about is life before they entered yours.

I don't know your story or your struggles or the lies you tell yourself.

But I can tell you that the enemy is not creative. He uses the same stupid pick-up lines on each of us ...and we eat them up!

Where in your life do you need to give yourself the gift of grace and forgiveness for all the crap you've been believing...or delivering to others? What are your man-bolts, how do they cause you to look back instead of ahead? Stay strong, push ahead.

And if you don't believe in God, my prayer is that you would take a step...even if that step is solely to reflect on your current life narrative. What do you think about yourself? Do you see yourself as loved and worthy?

Because. You are.


S

Why You Can't Do Everything

I've been feeling stretched thin lately.

If there's one thing you should know about me it's that I have a hard time saying no. I like people, I like helping them and I also like people to like me. On top of all of this, I like a lot of stuff. I'm passionate about just about everything with exceptions to professional wrestling and bug collecting... but, yes, everything else...and I bet I could get really into bug collecting if I tried. Not wrestling...well maybe.

I digress.

Over and over again throughout this past week, the ideas of simplifying and focusing-in have popped up as themes.

Every time I'd turn on the radio it seemed like someone had just called in seconds before to share a word on finding one's calling and not becoming distracted. Songs upon songs, messages, devotionals and that annoying little voice in my head who I tend to attribute to the Holy Spirit (Read: annoying because He is usually nudging convicting me of things I'd rather ignore) each pointed to this same idea:
I am busy and I am actively distracting myself from what God has for me to do here and now.

The past few weeks I've had something on my calendar after work each and every day, sometimes more than one thing per night. Strategically stuffed, my calendar looks a lot like that closet in your house who's door you slowly open (or don't open) so as not to upset the haphazard chaos inside...as long as it all fits and the door closes, right?

Sunday's sermon at my church involved an emphasis on margin and its relation to being teachable. If we lack margin, our pastor said, we lack capacity to learn and be humbled. In time, this lack of capacity and margin translates to distraction and distraction works to keep us tangled in everything but what we are called to do.

Think about it.

A high school athlete, more often than not, cannot be both a basketball star and swim star in the same season. Although he/she may excel in each sport, and somehow make every game and meet, he/she will not be able to attend each and every practice held at the very same time on the very same day. And with every missed practice for one sport or the other, he/she limits his/her ability to grow and reach their full potential in either sport.

The same is true for each of us, athletic or not.

We cannot do everything. 

We cannot succeed at everything.

We cannot continue living our lives distracting ourselves from the fact that we believe ourselves to be our own God.

I think so often, because I don't know what it is that I'm called to, or even what I really really like to do, I create almost contingency plans for myself by just choosing to do everything that seems right or good or true "just in case" because I'm afraid that choosing one group/hobby/church/activity/class over another will somehow cause me to "miss it" or "mess up".

We don't have that kind of power.

My fixation on not "missing it" or "messing it up" has brought me to a place where I am trying to do everything and be the very best at it all because deep down I do not trust that the right thing, at the right time can fall into place without my "divine" acts of will.

We need to specialize. We need to focus in. Instead of spreading ourselves so thin that we're only half good (or not good at all) at a lot of things, we need to center our attention on the areas of our lives where we sense the deepest need, nudge or call to continue to grow and give back.

There are so many things that I want to do and accomplish this year. So many things that are good and wonderful and God-honoring.

And yet, "good" does not equal "right".

Sometimes we need to give up doing good things because they ultimately distract us from the right things.

What is the Lord calling you to give up? How could you create more margin in your life so that you can begin to grow in teachability, sensitivity and openness to what or where the Lord is calling you?

Although I tend to pack my schedule to the brim, some of you may struggle to add things. This is just the opposite side of the same coin.

For you, where are you being nudged to give of yourself, your time or your energy? How can you safeguard yourself from locking yourself away and be more open to saying yes?


To margin,
-S

Day 30: Choosing to Give It All, One Moment at a Time

I would choose a leap year to do this thing.

One.

One additional day.

A mentor of mine once said, "Steph, you can always do one more of anything. One more second, one more minute, one more day."

I can still remember the moment she told me that. It was my first year of teaching and we were sitting in the back corner of my classroom across from one another at my desk pushed into the corner.  I was 22, at the end of my rope and had proposed quitting for maybe the fifth time in a span of a few months through muffled, snotty tears.

You see. I had never done something so hard nor sacrificed so much in my entire life. I felt like a failure and I was tired, disillusioned and angry.

As an 8th grade middle school teacher in the inner city, I had entered a battlefield. Not only was my school so under-resourced that my co-workers and I needed to buy our own computer paper, many of my students had suffered in their short lives things I couldn't even imagine. Many came to school hungry, some could not read, a few were homeless. Others were without parents or had witnessed their parents' murder. A lot of my boys dabbled in gangs, and my girls dabbled in boys.

Along with all this hardship came defiance and behavior issues. I was called every name ever created to be an insult (at least circa 2009). Sometimes my worksheets and lesson plans were thrown across the room, along with chairs to mix things up. And, during my first week, I had a girl literally pummel another girl to the ground punching her head into my classroom's floor as I stood there bewildered and not knowing what to do.

Although all completely true (and I'm not even telling you the juiciest, craziest stories) my situation and relationships with my students didn't stay that way. Over time and as I earned street cred, I gleaned little by little their love and respect. Demeanors of the meanest mean girls in the 8th grade shifted. Attitudes changed. Hugs were given. Insults became less and less...all because in the end, I choose one more second, one more minute and one more day through the rest of the school year. I also choose them.

Despite all the positive change, that year sucked. Refinement often does. But, it's in the fire that we are made pure, and fire burns.

So do middle school girl glares.

- - - - -

The past 30 days have been some of the most joyful I can remember in a long time. I feel so alive and free...its amazing what a little bit of obeying God and denying yourself will do for you...

Don't get me wrong, over the last month I've definitely had moments of struggle and second guessing. Sundays, ironically, are the worst. Nearly every Sunday I struggle not to obsess over who I'll date next or if there's someone out there that will ever choose me that I actually like-like.

...Maybe its because of all the eligible single men I see at church every Sunday morning and the lack of other pretty, gosh darn spectacular single Jesus-loving gals fighting for their attention...(please read this with the most snark you can muster)

Enter my falling into the temptations of comparison and envy nearly each and every week.

I shared the story of taking one second, one minute and one day at a time because its where I'm at, and really you are too. Taking one moment at a time, especially at a time that proves to be difficult and disorienting, is all we can do and all we are called to do.

In addition to choosing to take one moment at a time in obedience and trust, however, is an even higher and more sacrificial calling, a calling that asks us to lose our life so that we may gain it. I fought tooth and nail in those early months of teaching my inner desire to quit. Every ounce of me, besides my pride, was all in on the idea. I had even secured a job at the Gander Mountain around the corner from my apartment (to which my roommate thought I was crazy...desperation does weird things as we've already discussed in blog post #1). In the end, I didn't give up because deep down inside I knew it wasn't about me, my comfort or what I wanted in that season of my life.

Jesus made a choice too, He died on the cross for each one of us. All of us. Every. single. one. He didn't back out because it was hard. He was insulted and spit upon and tortured and he chose it. He made the ultimate sacrifice by giving His life, His all, for us so that we may become heirs through His death and resurrection! Although others could not see it and did not understand, even his own disciples, Jesus knew better things were to come and better things awaited the world on the other side of his choice. (Galatians 3:29, 4:7...and the whole New Testament)

Through him we were given new life and a new purpose and invited into a process of knowing Him and being transformed from the inside out.

And unfortunately, a process is not one-and-done but one-after-the-other kind of thing.

After 30 days of learning and growing and being refined, I'm entering into March ready and excited for all that the Lord had for me as I continue to place my trust and faith in Him in this season he has called me to and to one I am choosing one moment at a time.

I leave you with this; It's the song of my heart these days. I pray it becomes yours as well.

-S

"You can have it all, Lord.
Every part of my world.

Take this life and breathe on;
This heart that is now yours." 

"Have it All" Bethel Music c. 2016